You must not know me well enough if you don't understand why I followed
my title with crazy, but don't worry, I promise to share details at some point, and then we'll be SUPER close.
On Friday, June 27th, 2014, I found out I was pregnant. A friend at the gym actually prompted me to get a pregnancy test when she flat out asked, "Your boobs are huge, are you pregnant?". I almost dropped the barbell right in the middle of a squat. Me..haha...pregnant? I had all the signs, I have no idea why I didn't think of it as a possible option myself.
Fast-forward to today, and I'm 20 weeks pregnant with a precious baby boy. I want to be careful when I say this, because I have friends & family who have struggled to conceive and I don't want to seem insensitive, but I also want to be honest. I did not come to the point of calling this child "precious" overnight. I had a hard time adjusting to being pregnant, and it wasn't the morning sickness, the weight gain or the mood swings....it was me selfishly, just not ready to be pregnant. I wasn't ready to give up sushi, wine, insane workouts, sleeping on my back, or licking yummy cake batter off a spoon. I realize now how silly this all sounds, but it's the truth. Even at my first ultrasound, seeing my little blob of a baby did not make me weep tears of joy or make my heart flutter. I realized seeing that little blob that I actually was pregnant and that this road, whether I was ready or not, was one I was going down.
So you get the point, I had a lot of attitude adjusting to do. And I did. And finally, at my 15 week OB appointment, I had an unplanned ultrasound and I got to see my sweet baby (who actually looked like a baby) move and he looked right into the monitor and waved. It was a huge moment for me. I cried. I realized for the first time that the wiggling baby inside me was mine. He is my child, Justin and I's creation and I am his mother, now and forever. I could not be more honored and blessed.
Original Post from Nov. 2013>
As much as Justin and I love being here, there and everywhere, we
really do want to settle down and buy our dream home. I call it that,
our dream home, and I call it that not because it will be a big,
extravagant, high-end home, but because it will be the house we’ve
dreamed of….sounds of little giggles, whispered lullabies, post-tantrum
sniffles, loud football game cheers, family laughter, early morning
baking, dogs barking and so many more beautiful family sounds. That’s
the house we dream of; one where we can raise our family.
For those of you that know me, I should start off by saying… I am not pregnant!! Scouts honor. Just had to clear that right up.
As we think about the house we want, I’ve come up with this list of
wants (some of these things are more or less just words/ideas to keep me
in-check when looking):
-More than one bathroom : )
-Outdoor living space
-Porch
-Cottage charm
-Not too big (Note to self: you’ll have to clean it)
-Outdoorsy
-Walking distance to anything (seriously, I don’t care what it is, I know this will keep me sane when mommy-life gets crazy)
-No carpet (this is totally selfish, but I want things that clean up easily, like really, really easily)
The two hard decisions for me (and Justin), which are unfortunately
the most important things, are where to live and exactly how many
bedrooms we think we’ll need. And let me tell you folks, without those
two decisions made, looking for a home right now is like driving without
directions….aimless and pretty pointless.
Original post from Oct. 16, 2013> Where do you go after a trip like this? How do you return to “normal
life”? How does everything you once knew not turn into a meaningless
humdrum life?
Processing. That’s how. At least for me, it’s what I needed. I had to
take the time to contemplate and think about this trip. There was a
purpose in me being called over there….a purpose bigger than my mind
could see while I was in Uganda, being washed in the daily presence of
those precious little children. Justin and I spent last weekend camping
and hiking 18 miles through the Foothills Trail. We decided we would go
on this trip, despite all of our recent travels, because we wanted to
process our trip to Uganda and we couldn’t think of a better place than
in nature, with no cell service and no distractions (aren’t those one in
the same?). : )
The trip was perfect. A time for my mind to clear out the clutter. I
realized that when you come back from a trip that takes you into another
world, especially a world of poverty, that in some ways, your life back
home does seem meaningless. And in some ways, you might never fully
return home. You leave a piece of you behind and bring home a new one.
But it’s a choice you have. You can choose to take it all in, live it,
breathe it and let in change your heart forever….or you can choose to
let it slip away, like a distant memory (and back in the comfort of our
big American homes, fancy cars, nice restaurants and super malls- that’s
a easy thing to do). And while I am guilty of enjoying the comforts of
my American life, I am choosing to let this trip change me. Forever. As I
discover the changes my heart has made, I’ll keep you posted. But for
now, through processing, I realized I learned one big lesson….
Before leaving for Africa, I made a commitment to myself (because I
felt like God called me to) to live in the moment. A friend of mine,
Charisse, sent me a good devotional which led me to this
calling of “living in the moment”. As we all know, it is quite a feat
to do. We live in America, even worse in a city, where there is a
constant hustle and bustle, where people (myself included) feel the need
to be someone, climb up the ladder, be socially accepted, and all of us
in some way feel like we have to keep up with the Joneses to
survive…how, please tell me, can we ever feel or be in the moment if
we’re constantly doing all of the above? If we’re all, in some way,
striving for more, then how are we ever in the moment, appreciating
fully what is right in front of us? I can tell you that I, honestly, was
not succeeding at this…my heart, my mind and my wallet too often
searched for “more”.
THEN Africa happened. I went with this once seemingly big task to
change, and I did. So easily. And that’s because I had no pressures
there, I had nothing more to search for, and no expectations to meet. In
Africa, I was a pharmacist, a foreigner, a full-time servant of God,
and a mom. And every time my sweet boys looked up at me with their big hopeful eyes, I was in the moment.
I didn’t have to think to myself, “Allie, concentrate on what’s right
in front of you.” It came effortlessly. I want to give you one example
here, we were riding on a bus to Namadhi (the campus that is more rural,
where two of my boys live). The children were so excited to see us, and
it didn’t feel right… who are we to deserve this? But I reminded
myself, that for many of these children, we are a big bundle of love
coming to adore them and serve them. For them, it might be like God
sending them a piece of his love made visible. A special present, just
for them. How could you not be fully present in this moment?
These 60 seconds are seconds I will never forget. How my heart
felt…seeing the signs they made, their loud wel-e-come cheers, the
branches they turned into waving flags, the flowers the picked to
decorate for us, their little bobbing heads as they jumped for joy, the
bouquets they gave us made of twigs and fresh blooms. This is one of the
moments that helped me to learn to always be present. I
don’t want to miss the big moments or the tiny, little moments in my
life. It’s been incredibly hard for me to maintain back home…but I take
one day at a time and I don’t beat myself up when I get off track. I’ve
learned to not over-commit myself, to enjoy each place I go, to find
peace in my days at the house when work is slow, to show my husband he
is loved even when I’m busy, to not be perpetually rushed, to be ok with
being late or early, to sit on the porch and read when I think I should
be cleaning. I’ve learned to pass up things I want at the store, to not
stress about planning out my life and just let it happen, to love
myself with messy hair and no makeup, to cherish time with my family
even when work is knocking at the door. I’ve learned that everything in
my life has a place, but I can’t be in all those places at once. So I
choose to be in whatever place my life has called me to at any given
moment. I am there, present. I set aside the other things. And I don’t
let my mind think about them. They are not going anywhere, they are
merely waiting in line. And when my life takes me to those other things,
they will appreciate me being fully present. Living in the moment,
truly.
Lessons from Uganda...
Original post from Oct. 1, 2013>
Emotions, emotions, emotions. Right now, I am full of a million, but sadness is the one I feel the most.
I am sad because I miss Shafic more than I even thought possible. I
see him in everything I do here. I miss our other boys too, but both
Sula & Muzaifah have brothers and sisters at the orphanage, which
somehow makes me feel better. Like they have family to love them and
comfort them when needed. I will have to tell you more about them
later…Justin and I had a very special moment with Muzaifah.
From the moment I met Shafic we had a very special bond. He didn’t
want to talk too much about his past when I first met him, perhaps he
didn’t trust me quite yet, but after two days of getting to know
eachother, Shafic opened up to me. He told me about his past and where
he came from and how he ended up at Hands of Love.
Both of Shafic’s parents died when he was 5 years old. I’m not sure how
they died, I didn’t feel like he was ready to tell me, so I didn’t ask.
Some villagers helped to take care of him and his brother, Martin, for a
few years until it became too burdensome. They didn’t have any money so
Shafic and Martin relied on others to feed them. They also couldn’t go
to school because in Uganda the public school system requires every
student to pay some small admin fees (unless the school is a UPE
school), but when you don’t have anything but the clothes on your back
(literally) those small fees prevent you from going to school. That and
the fact they didn’t have any transportation besides traveling by foot.
Shafic explained to me that one day Solomy, the sponsorship coordinator
in Uganda, found him and his brother in a field and took them to Hands
of Love. Shafic was 10 years old when that happened. I am not sure about
Martin, but I know Shafic was sponsorless for 3 years. Justin and I
began to sponsor him in March of 2012. A some point during those three
years, Martin ran away from the orphanage and got involved with a bad
group of people, a Ugandan gang of sorts. Martin is not allowed near the
orphanage, so the day he ran away was the last time Shafic saw him. I
asked Shafic if he missed his brother, and he said he does very much,
but that he is very happy at Hands of Love and doesn’t want to leave.
This whole story about Shafic’s brother running away made me worry (just
like a mother). I worried that Shafic’s brother might influence him.
That maybe Shafic would one day feel like running away thinking that
there might be something better out there. Justin and I talked and
together we decided to have a serious talk with Shafic. It was hard for
me to be stern with him, but I knew I had to be. I explained to him how
much his dad and I loved him, and that if he ever ran away or left Hands
of Love that we would be deeply sad and worried. In fact, I told him,
we would be so worried that we would come right back over to Uganda and
search for him until we found him…and we would find him. And
when we did, he would be in BIG trouble with us. I explained to him that
it was with a loving, motherly heart that I told him all this. The
thought of him running away and maybe never seeing him again brings me a
deep pain in my heart. Shafic reassured me that he would never runaway.
He said, now that he met his mom and dad, he wanted to make us proud.
He has no idea how proud I am already. He is the sweetest boy, he has a
big heart, he is selfless, and he loves the Lord. He is always looking
out for the younger kids. Molly, one of the nurses on our trip, has a
precious son at HOL named Julius. I constantly saw Shafic sharing his
treats with Julius and guiding him to the bus, back to school, etc.
There are so many reasons I am proud of my son.
It was so hard to tell Shafic goodbye. I cried and cried. I let the
whole “be strong in front of your kids rule” fly right out the window. I
didn’t care. I hugged him and held him so tight. I reminded
him that this was not goodbye forever and that I would return to see
him. I reminded him for the 5 millionth time how much Justin and I loved
him, and he reminded me that he loved us so much too. As he was
summoned back to the bus, Shafic looked at me and said “I will miss you,
Mom.” “I will miss you more,” I replied. And we both turned to walk in
opposite directions.
This song randomly played on my iPod on my way back to the US…. each word is exactly how I feel.
I carry you in me.
Now that I have seen, I am responsible
Faith without deeds is dead
Now that I have held you
In my own arms
I cannot let go till you are
I will tell the world, I will tell them where I’ve been
I will keep my word.
Now being back in America, I feel a deep rooted responsibility in my
heart, a responsibility to take care of Shafic forever, to tell his
story, and to hopefully, one day, help him go to college and follow all
his dreams. I realize that right now that begins with helping him right
where he is…at Hands of Love. I want to educate people, like you, about
HOL. And if I’m honest, I want HOL to get more funding and more
sponsors. It only costs $40 a month to sponsor a child.
If you go to Starbucks a few times a month, go out to lunch more than 4
times a month, or pick up an extra item every time you go to Target
(come on, we’ve all done it), then you have enough “extra” to help a
child. I know many of you donate your money elsewhere and I get that (I
did too before I knew of HOL), but I hope this touches your heart in
such a way that you feel called to sponsor a child….that you make room for it, because if we’re all truly honest, we could all make the room to do this. And when you do, you will be blessed, immensely.
Original post from Sept. 30, 2013>
Dear my sweet, sweet Mommy,
I pray you are near and are able to see what the good Lord has called me
to do, for you have inspired me to follow His lead. Never in a million
years would I have thought serving children would be in my future, but
when I think of you and how much of your life was made up of loving
children, I realize it is perfectly sensible. You were an incredibly
gifted teacher, the best mom your daughters could ask for, and you loved
two boys that came into our life later as if they were your very own.
You took every chance in life to love and embrace children. I remember
you were once completely taken back by a story about 3 orphan brothers
in the newspaper, you seriously discussed with the family adopting all
of them, I think you even called the local government to see how
everything might logistically work. I smile at that memory now…. It’s
truly no surprise that I am here in Africa serving and adoring all these
beautiful young faces with their big ear to ear smiles.
I hope you hear my message though you are in an unreachable and
seemingly far away place. I want you to know, among the millions of
things I learned from you, one of the most valuable was learning to have
an open heart to love others, and today those “others” are the little
ones. I am following in your footsteps with a big open heart (just like
you taught me), and I can’t help but fall in love with all of these
children. Their little feet and tiny toes, their big belly laughs, and
imaginations that have no limit, their innocent souls, and their joy for
all the little things in life.
I thank you for inspiring me for I am forever grateful for this trip. It
will change the trajectory of my life, in fact it already has.
I also need to thank your beautiful mom, my Nanny! Her lifelong heart
and dedication to serve others is truly incredible. When I was younger I
didn’t quite grasp the volunteer work she did for the RedCross, but now
that I am older I am able to truly appreciate the work she did, the
time she gave, the people she helped and most importantly those she
inspired along the way, like me. Thank you, Nanny, for your heart to
serve…and also thank you for raising an amazing daughter who became the
best mother.
I have a grateful heart today for these two special women in my life
who touched my heart and helped lead me to where I am today, on this
life-changing African journey.
